Tag Archives: Dating

Soulmate Theory

I have a new theory on soulmates. There is no ONE person just for us; it’s a type. There are many people with whom each of us could have a successful romantic relationship.

Okay, if there really only is one person out there for each of us, then the probability of us finding that one person is very very small. It’s so small it’s unrealistic. We also really don’t know exactly what we want anyway. Don’t we usually go into relationships thinking he or she is the one, only to find out they’re not?

Even Animology shows you that there isn’t just one person for you, and that’s a tool for finding your soulmate. Each person does a quiz and is given a profile, which consists of a colour and an animal. There definitely aren’t seven billion permutations, which means that there are multiple people who have the same profile, meaning multiple people can be your soulmate.

Therefore a soulmate is not a person; it’s a profile. But each of your possible soulmates could be different too. It’s a person’s quirks and choices that make them who they are. So then once you’ve found your soulmate, it all comes down to whether you can tolerate their quirks.

So I have a new action plan: dating by elimination and actively looking for deal breakers.

See, I figure that if I work the probability, dating more girls would mean that I’m more likely to find someone I can click with. Cast my net wide, ya know? Also, each time I ask a girl out, I find out more about myself, what I like and what I dislike. That way I can fine tune my search for my next date.

Perhaps this sounds very mechanical, unromantic and somewhat desperate, but hey, I’m looking for my future partner. Someone who I can and want to spend the rest of my life with. I deserve to be picky and I’m doing everything in my power to make sure that happens the way I want it to. Okay, that sounds so controlling. Rephrase: I’m doing everything I can so that when the right woman arrives, I won’t mess it up. Every girl I date unsuccessfully provides me with practice and experience for when I finally meet my significant other.

So the second part to my plan is to actively look for deal breakers. Habits and quirks about a person that make me go “Nope, I’m sorry, I have to call this off right now.” Some of these include smoking, the inability to understand my jokes (especially puns), excessive use of vulgarities and not making the effort to look decent. I’ll expand more on this and in more detail in a future post.

This is also the way I’ve started looking at the new friends I make. I actively look for deal breakers. I find that there’s another advantage too; these things I look for give me conversation openers. Like, I ask them if they smoke. If they say yes, I back away. If they say no, then I can start hating on smokers.

Someone once said that bonding over shared hatred is stronger and more fun than bonding over shared interests.

-Jace

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Friend Dates

I had a thought; why do we date? It’s getting to know the other person in depth and to see if the two of you can connect and click well together.

So why don’t we do that with friends? Think about it, one on one quality time with your best friend (even of the same gender) is always about getting to know him or her, know what’s going on with their lives and to reinforce the connection you have. I’m thinking I could turn this into a new project. I should go and have one on one quality time with my friends. I already do this with my best friend, Song, on a semi-regular basis, so why not expand it a little? Besides, it’ll also act as a secondary filtering tool to help me see if that friend and I really could be close.

Obviously, it’s because I want to spend time with them. I don’t want superficial friendships, so the friends I do keep have to have a connection with me. So the first reason I want to do this is to strengthen and maintain the close friendships I already have.

Taking a look back now on the close friends I have, the close friends I’ve lost, and the friends I wish were closer, I really wonder how it all happened (or didn’t happen, in the last case). This project will be partly a research project to help me understand myself better as well. What makes us best friends? What is it that separates just friends and best friends? Perhaps actually extracting a clear list of traits will help me pick future friends more carefully.

Another thing I’ve noticed about myself is that sometimes I tend to dominate a conversation, especially when I get too passionate about what I’m talking about, or if I have a series of follow up jokes to deliver. I’m aware of it and I do catch myself, but by then it’s too late to “un-dominate”. All I can do is pull on the reins and then people ask me if I’m okay because I’ve suddenly gone quiet. My point is, I need to learn to listen just for the sake of listening, not listen to reply. Right now, I tend to listen in order to have time to formulate a reply, or recall a quote or joke correctly. It’s difficult for me to do it right now, because my mind works at light speed, drawing connections to puns and quotes, going off on tangents and just wandering. I don’t want to be the guy who always has to have the last word, because that’s really immature. I have learnt the hard way that most people don’t think like I do or at the same speed as I do.

I guess I owe my friends an apology for each time I’ve been overly zealous when I speak.

I also realize that this friend date project can be used as a confidence building exercise. I have several friends on Facebook that I’m not close to but I wish we were. I haven’t spoken to them for quite a while, apart from random funny comments I leave on their photos and status updates. This could be the perfect excuse to connect with them as well as reconnect with old friends I’ve lost touch with.

I want to learn how to be able to talk to people even though I barely know anything about them. I think it’s called building rapport, so I guess the best way is to throw myself in the deep end. Heck, this isn’t even the deepest end yet; that’s talking to a total stranger anywhere and at anytime. If I’m able to talk to friends I’m not close to that I barely know, I should be able to move on to striking up a conversation with anyone.

Lastly, I’m also writing a fictional story about mind reading and I need different characters. As a side effect of this project, I’m hoping to gain insight into how different people think and, more importantly, why they think differently. I need to model my characters off real people, or perhaps draw different traits together to create a new character.

One thing I’m looking for are quirks that make a person unique. For example, my main character will have a really sweet tooth as a side effect of using his mental abilities to often. To normal people, it’ll just be a quirk. So if I can identify quirks my friends have and invent interesting reasons for them, I think my characters will be more relatable.

Well, we’ll see how this goes. I’ll do my best to talk to one person a week or two, so I’ll probably do another post in a few months’ time, reflecting on this project.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
-Dr Suess

-Jace

50 First Dates

I managed to watch 50 First Dates last week and it was so beautiful! I think it’s my favourite romantic comedy ever, because I’m old enough to understand all the jokes and innuendos and I can fully appreciate the powerful messages in this lighthearted movie.

*Warning: Spoiler Alert*
If you haven’t watched this movie and you don’t want to know what happens, GET OUT NOW.

LAST CHANCE.

But seriously, this movie has been out for quite some time already.

If you don’t know the story, here’s a summary. Adam Sandler plays Henry Roth, a Hawaiian playboy who works at an aquarium and has commitment issues. One morning, after his boat breaks, he comes into a diner to wait for the towboat and meets Lucy Whitmore (Drew Barrymore) who is building a sculpture out of her pancakes. He goes up to her and they hit it off. She invites him to breakfast at the same diner the next morning and after some hesitation, he agrees. When he comes the next morning he finds that she doesn’t recognize him at all. The owners of the diner drag him away and explain to him that she had a head injury that resulted in her not being able to retain any new memories. She keeps reliving the same day over and over again. Henry takes it up as a challenge and every morning he devises ways and means (some of them brilliant, most of them utterly ridiculous) to hit on her. For a while, they don’t work, but he persists and finally succeeded.

As the story progresses, he makes a video for her to watch every morning so that she doesn’t need to be lied to anymore. Every day they go on dates and each time it’s a first date for her. There’s a short gag where she repeats variations of the phrase “Nothing beats a first kiss” several times. One day she finds out that he had plans to travel around the world in the boat he built, but he gave that up because she needed him more than he needed to travel. She feels guilty and decides to erase him from her life, that is, the videos he made for her, any mention of him in her diary and so on. He leaves but comes back and they get married. The end scene is where she wakes up and watches the video tape, then discovers she’s in a boat. She climbs up to the deck and is greeted by Henry who says to their daughter, “Go say hi to mummy.”

My mum says that she refuses to watch it because it’s so heartbreaking but this is a movie I will watch over and over again in years to come, if only to keep reminding myself of the lessons I’ve learnt.

Everyday is a new day
I think this was my first takeaway from the movie. Not to be afraid to just go out there, take action and make mistakes, because tomorrow will be a new day to start afresh if you need to. It’s really Carpe Diem and YOLO as it should be. Of course, he has a reset button and in real life we don’t, but the lesson still applies. Stop think what happens if it goes wrong.

What happens if it goes right?

Don’t give up the chase
Henry has to make her fall in love with him over and over again every single day. While that may be drastic, my takeaway here is not to take my partner for granted. Just because you’re in a loving relationship doesn’t mean you can give up the romance and dates and the chase. It’s all about the little things done simply because you love your partner and you’re telling him/her so.

Take everything in stride
There were plenty of awkward moments for Henry when his plans didn’t go well, but he always managed to improvise and work his way around it. I really want that ability and that’s partly why I love comedy and puns. They require me to improvise a lot and take every opportunity that comes my way.

The movie left me with a feeling of blissful happiness and a twinge of envy because I haven’t had a girlfriend before.

My goal is to have my future girlfriend’s friends and family say how lucky she is to have me when in fact the lucky one would be me.

The search continues…

-Jace

Unusual First Date Ideas for LOLA

This post was first published on LOLA’s blog on Mar 17, 2014. I’m putting it here as a backup copy. Click here to see the original post.

So you’ve decided to download LOLA and you’re happily filling in the registration page, uploading your photo, stating your preferences and you have to propose a unique first date idea. Yep, that’s exactly what LOLA requires you to do. No idea – no date!

You might already have an idea in your head and so you eagerly type it in, raring to go snag your first date. Or you could have a stroke of inspiration and come up with a totally genius and unique idea that’s still simple enough to snag matches. Or, more likely, you struggle to think of an idea for a long time, eventually putting a “safe” date or giving up entirely.

Well, if you’re in that last category, you’re in luck! Here are several suggestions that you could use or build upon to get you started on getting matches and first dates. We don’t want you to struggle and perhaps miss an opportunity, so we’re here to get you into the game.

*Disclaimer*
This post is aimed to inspire people who are looking for a cool, unique and perhaps weird date idea. If you’re happy with a standard date (i.e. dinner and movie), then that’s fine too. It’s not my intention to offend or put down “safe” date ideas in any way; I’m just suggesting some starting ideas for those who get analysis paralysis, or alternatives for those who want to spice up their idea. As a user of the LOLA app, I’ve also noticed that many people lack inspiration or originality. I personally prefer an adventurous date, but that’s just me.

Alright let’s start with a classic date: the dinner and movie. This idea might not be the best for a first date, because a) unless you two hit it off immediately, dinner might be boring and b) you can’t talk during the movie. So one way around this would be to watch the movie first and then have dinner. This way you both will have something in common to talk about while eating.

Most of the time, people just want to talk first. Some of us want to chat over coffee, over dinner, or at the beach. This is usually the “safest” route to take and it does make sense. You’ve got to get to know a person first and the best way to do that is to talk to him or her. But this sometimes can lead to awkward silences when both parties run out of things to talk about. So why not make it a little more fun?

Hanging out at Changi Airport to watch planes and people is a pretty good idea. It’s a public place, but it’s so vast that you could hold a private conversation in comfort. It’s got a pretty tranquil ambiance most of the time as well. Watching planes fly allows a comfortable instead of awkward silence. People Watching is also a fun activity, where you look at random strangers and make up backstories for them. (Protip: make up a cool backstory for each other as well!)

Perhaps, instead of talking, you both could just swap iPods for a while and listen to the songs that the other person has. This would not only allow you to get a feel of what that person is like (i.e. Fun? Thoughtful? Wild?), but also prevents awkward silence, so it’s a good backup plan when you run out of things to say, or just don’t want to overwhelm your date. Who knows? You two might just like an awesome song or like the same singers (oh hey Pentatonix!) and then BAM you now have something to talk about.

You’re welcome.

Or how about doing origami together while you talk? Learn how to fold a paper crane and teach it to your date! There’s an old Japanese legend that says that if you fold a thousand paper cranes, you’ll be granted one wish. This could actually be the basis for several dates. Why not fold cranes and make the wish together? I think in the time it takes to fold a thousand cranes, you’d get to know the other person pretty well. And even if you two don’t click on the first date, save the cranes you made yourself. Perhaps when you fold your thousandth crane for yourself, you can wish for your perfect girl or guy to show up. *cheeky grin*

Want something more adventurous? How about learning or doing something new together? (Fun fact: this is actually my own date idea :P) You could take a dance class together, go explore somewhere you both haven’t been to, learn a new recipe or a new song you both like, (bonus points if the song is a duet or mashup), or… oh I don’t know, take a Couple Yoga class together, like the one LOLA organizes monthly!

Feeling more active? Perhaps a treasure hunt together might be your thing. Why not look for the best place to have prata or pancakes? You could show each other your favourite snack places, or perhaps play an Amazing Race-style game with other couples, so that it becomes a group-but-still-single date, if you know what I mean.

Maybe something active but not so adrenaline-pumping would be to volunteer for or help out at community services and events. SPCA, anyone? Old folk’s home? Orphanages? Activities like these are a great way to show your tender side and at the same time give back to the community.

Or be guest bloggers for LOLA? 🙂

-Jace